Straight from the head of a cancer patient

Today, I went to church.

Church is always a great way to start my week! It helps me to refocus my life and start fresh.  When I'm unable to attend (like the 2 Sundays I missed after my surgeries) I miss taking the Sacrament to renew the covenants I made with God when I was baptized.

Today was no different.  Not only was I able to refocus, but I was able to speak to a couple great friends and share with them how I feel about this whole cancer situation.  You see...I have quickly learned that most people who do not have cancer can't imagine what my life is now like.

WARNING: I will be talking about my cancer again.  This is my blog.  All my thoughts go here.  If you're tired of reading about it, I gave you fair warning :)!

Finding out that I had cancer was one of the worst moments (if not THE worst moment) of my life. I literally felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I found out through a VOICEMAIL that the doctor left me (he doesn't have a great bedside manner).  To top it off, Jereld happened to be at Home Depot at the time and even thought I tried to call the doctor back, he went to lunch shortly after leaving the message and I could only reach his answering service for 1 1/2 hours.  Jereld rushed home when I called him.  He even took the day off work.  We were both in shock.

But, even though this is the hardest thing that has ever happened to us, it has been the most spiritual experience of our lives.

The days and weeks that have followed have mostly been filled with peace.  Yes, (like I've mentioned before) I do have my panic moments and my moments of weakness, but the Holy Spirit has filled our home with a quiet, comforting peace.  It's not that the Spirit wasn't in our home before, but we just feel like we recognize his presence more and that we invite him with our actions more. We are praying more than we ever have. We are treasuring the little moments we have together more and more.

It's unfortunate that it took me getting cancer for us to become more humble.  Jereld jokes that I should remind him next time to start reading his scriptures for 5 hours a day so that no one else has to get cancer. {PS-This is a joke.  We've never read scriptures for 5 hours a day. Only 4 hours a day...ok ok I'm still joking about the 4 hours.}

The one thing about cancer that makes it hard is that there is no absolute fool-proof cure.  Basically, all I can do is get treated the best I can and then pray for God's help. My hands are pretty much tied and the only person with a knife to cut the rope I am bound with is the Lord.
 
1 Nephi 7:12 says, "Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ not only died for my sins, but that he died so that he could break the bands of death.  I WILL live again!

Even though I don't feel like I will die anytime soon, I will die someday.  We all will! Knowing that, after this life, I will be with my precious Beau, my sweet Kendi, and the love of my life, Jereld, again is very precious to me.

Basically, the only way I am getting through this whole ordeal is with the help of Jesus Christ and the enabling power of His Atonement.

Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

I wish I could have learned how amazing it is to feel the Holy Spirit a little more often without having to get cancer, but--what can I say--some of us are a little more hard headed than others. Apparently, I was living far below my privileges (see short clip below).

I've still got a long ways to go...and a lot more hard lessons to learn! Isn't that comforting?!?!? LOL

BBQ at the Zoo :)

We went to the zoo today with my friend from BYU, Ari, and her cute little son, Eli.  Unfortunately, the only thing on the barbeque menu...was US! It was SO HOT! Dang Arizona! Maybe we'll be able to enjoy the zoo more in the coming months! 

This was my 1st outing with the kiddos (without Jereld) post-surgery.  It wasn't too bad.  My throat starting hurting after yelling at the splash pad a few times, but it wasn't too bad! 

Ari taking the boys up the tower to see the giraffes! 

Ari & Eli by the rhino!

 Beau & me by the rhino

 The best part of the whole day! The splash pad! 

 Eli, Kendi, & Ari

Eli 

My kids had a lot of fun despite the heat.  Beau was screaming for 15 minutes straight on the way home! "NOOOOOOO!! ZOOOOOO!!!"  and crying and screaming some more! It was a long drive home! 

Thanks, Ari & Eli! 

I Broked It!

Cleaning up after the kids are in bed is something I have grown accustomed to. That's what I was doing before calming Beau down and trying to get him back to sleep.  Yep! He woke up crying hysterically that he had broken his bed.  I tried to reason with him and show him it wasn't broken.  Have you ever tried reasoning with a 2 1/2 year old who has awoken from a deep sleep at 10:30 pm? It's not pretty. The only thing that would soothe him was being held and then read to and then cuddled. 

Today was HARD! I am feeling it! My whole body is screaming at me to go to bed.  But here I sit typing this (technically Jereld gets home in about 20 minutes or so...so that is really why I'm up). 

Today was also fun! One of my best friends came over (shout out to Danny Lad--this is a code name don't worry if you don't know who I'm talking about)...knee scooter and all! Beau LOVED the knee scooter! I'm glad DL isn't afraid of a little bare bum sitting on her knee scooter--or a crazy little kid doing gymnastics on it either! 

What was so hard about today then?!?!? Cleaning up #2 off my carpet...twice. Yep. Potty training. Sometimes I just don't know...I take it back...I do know. The Pull-ups have to go.  But, with all the craziness going on around here, Pull-ups are sort of a crutch I've come to rely on. Dang.  Not to mention that the kiddos seem to know that what they once knew as "normal" around our house is long gone.  There have been times that their mom and dad have been gone and grandmas and others have had to watch them. There have been times that Mom could not pick up Beau for weeks. There have been many many times that Mom has left to go to a doctor's appointment. There have been many emotions and lots of stress.  How could we expect the kids to go on like nothing is different?!?!? 

Life has been hard lately. Period. 

But, I don't know what I would do without my 2 little miracles.  As I laid next to my little buddy, reading story after story and looking at the tractor picture book over and over and over, I didn't want the moment to end. I just wanted to soak up as much of that moment as possible. I didn't want him to be one day older. 

I know you can't see them, but tears of gratefulness to God for my little family are rolling down my cheeks.  I love them.  Regardless of the poop I cleaned off the carpet, regardless of the sleepless nights I've spent caring for them, regardless of the cranky times and the wild times and the messy times, I LOVE THEM! I love them to my very core.  

I know that I can be with them forever, and that is what gets me through the hard days and the doubting moments.   

  

As promised--something exciting! (For me at least)

First and foremost, Enjoy!

Yes...that is a tire around his waist.  Where else would he put it?!?!?! Hee hee.

I'm glad he didn't see me taking this picture at the red light.



Now...on to the exciting thing.

Apparently, when you have cancer, you are automatically welcomed into the I HAVE CANCER club. Who knew?!?!? There are all sorts of things available to people with cancer.

Case in point--about a week ago, I got a call from a really nice lady who told me she was sad they missed me while I was at the hospital.  She runs the "Face In the Mirror" relaxation suite at the hospital I had both surgeries at.

The Face in the Mirror is a program where those who have (or who have had) cancer are welcome to go get a free facial, makeup application, hand & foot massage, and face massage. They also serve you tea (or herbal tea or water for those like me!). Look at these cute cups!

I also enjoyed an almond chocolate biscotti.  I could have had chocolates if I wanted them, but I passed (never been a huge fan of boxed chocolates.)



That "director's" chair is where i sat to get my makeup application.  There are comfy chairs you sit in for the foot & hand massages.  They even have the lights dimmed and soft, relaxing music playing (with video of calming nature scenes on a small TV.)

I got to take home a bag of goodies--like face wash, moisturizer, an eye shadow, lipstick, chapstick, body lotion, eye cream, eye liner, a pair of yoga pants, and a tank top.  I also got a little bracelet that has a mirror charm on it.

A cute little lady named Sun did my massages and facials.  Everyone there is a volunteer.  It's really small, there were only 2 women running it, Sun and Patricia.

Sun thought my eyebrows could use a little darkening...yikes! Please enjoy the cheesy, unflattering selfie below.  I probably won't be darkening my eyebrows (at least not this dark) ever again.  PS...you can see my incision on my neck in this photo for those interested.  Don't worry mom, I was driving, but I was at a red light.

The coolest thing about this program is that I am able to go back for more massages/makeup/facials/pampering ANY TIME I WANT! Like I said, I am a member of the cancer club now. I might as well enjoy a few perks right!?!?!?

Something else cool (that doesn't apply to me...at least not yet and I hope it never does) is that for those women who have to go through chemo and lose their hair, this organization offers them 1 free wig a year. They had a couple boxes of wigs in the relaxation room (should have taken a crappy cell phone pic...sorry I didn't). One of the wigs they had on a dummy head was actually super cute.  The other 2 on dummy heads weren't bad, they were just a little mature (read: old lady style) for my taste.

Bottom line: I am glad that organizations like this exist! It was nice to "get away" at least for an hour or so. For those who are sick in bed in the hospital, they come to you and apply makeup and give massages...which would be awesome for those who are not feeling well enough to stop in.  Prior to getting cancer, I had no clue that adults with cancer were treated so well.  I knew that organizations like Locks of Love and such existed, but I thought it was just for kids.

I guess you learn something new every day!

On a sort of different note: Patricia asked me if I would like some tea.  When I said no she wondered why.  I did my best to explain the Word of Wisdom, but I sure wish that I would have been able to explain it better. Next time right!?!?!  For those who don't know what I'm talking about, here is short description (click on the image to make it bigger) and a link below that for more information.

http://mormon.org/faq/word-of-wisdom

The way my day looked

You probably can't see this picture very good because it was taken in my dark office with my horrible cell phone camera (I don't own a smart phone).  But, this is how most of my day looked.  Poor baby is either getting sick or is teething.  All she wanted was for me to hold her or rub her back.  Sometimes she would pat my back which made me smile.  She's in bed now FINALLY! Which is were I should be.  I have a big day tomorrow!  I will post about it soon promise! It's actually something really cool! But, I don't want to spoil the surprise for all of you!

-Allison

The most common question I hear

Inquiring minds want to know (aka...the most common question I hear):

How are you feeling? 

Physically, I am almost back to normal.  Still a little lacking in the energy department, but that could be due to a number of things.  I have 2 children that are very active...especially Beau. I just got done having 2 surgeries (the biggest contributor to my lacking energy).  And...I am getting used to being on thyroid medication instead of actually having a thyroid.  I'm not sure how much that contributes to the overall package, but I'm sure it does. 

Beau has figured out that I am all talk and no action.  Since I can't lift more than 20 lbs until Tuesday, I can't put him in his booster seat, put him in his time-out chair, lift him out of the bath, or put him in bed.  He caught on pretty quick, and now his daddy is having to be the main disciplinarian.  He pretty much knows that I have no authority. 

Tuesday, I can start lifting again, and I will begin to re-establish myself as an authority figure at our house :)! I am pretty sure it's going to be a bumpy ride! 

Spiritually, I have had many many moments of quiet peace.  I don't always feel peace--I wish I did, but I'm human like the rest of you! One thing that was hard for me today was not being able to sing the hymns at church.  I have always enjoyed singing, but right now it hurts really bad to sing and I can't keep my voice steady enough.  Talking is no problem, but SINGING??? yikes! But, the hymns still meant so much to me today.  I had the unique opportunity to quietly focus on the words that others around me were singing.  The most touching hymn to me today was "Come Unto Jesus" (click on the link if you're not familiar with this particular hymn). The verse that touched me the most was the 3rd verse which goes like this: 

 Come unto Jesus; He'll surely hear you,
If you in meekness plead for his love.
Oh, know you not that angels are near you
From brightest mansions above?

I have had so many moments when I feel like I have had the help of angels comforting me and getting me through the hard patches. 

I also feel like I have had lots of help from "angels" all around me.  Dinners brought in by friends from church. Even a couple dinners brought in by friends from when Jereld and I were single. Angels have watched my children or helped me put my kids to bed night after night without complaining! Angels have asked me how I"m doing and shared words of comfort.  Angels who have shared their own stories of trials and angels who have offered hugs and cried with me.  

Mosiah 2:17 says, "And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."

For now, I am trusting in "good things to come." This short clip makes me tear up every time! It gives me great hope!

An update from the cancer front!

Just copied the email I sent my family...sorry it's in email format!

Hey everyone, 

I thought I'd send an update since I went to see my endocrinologist today. If I've already talked to you (Mom & Cam) sorry--just ignore this email if you want! 

Dr. Wadwekar is of the opinion that I need to be treated with Radioactive Iodine (RAI).  It would be a lower dose and, therefore, I would only have to be away from people for 3 days (YAY! I was so worried it would be 8 days). Dr. Wadwekar is not the final word on my treatment though.  I am being referred to Dr. Maggas, a Radiation Oncologist.  He is the one who will ultimately order any Radioactive Iodine treatments or scans, etc. At this point, I feel like I'm being passed from doctor to doctor to doctor which is slightly frustrating.  Jereld & I asked if there is a way that I could get a scan first to try to detect any leftover cancer cells and Dr. Wadwekar said that it's possible but that the scan is roughly 50-60% accurate, so the scan isn't worth a whole lot.  He said he would like to err on the side of caution and just have me get an RAI treatment.

He also mentioned that I am a very unique case.  They don't often find thyroid cancer in a lymph node without also finding it in the thyroid.  Strange! 

So, I don't have an appointment scheduled with Dr. Maggas yet.  They will call me once they get my referral apparently.  A few weeks before my RAI treatments I will have to go on a low iodine diet.  Dr. Wadwekar also mentioned that the recommendation is that you wait 12 months after the RAI treatment before getting pregnant.  Looks like our kids are being spaced for us! Not our favorite, but we don't have a choice. 

Hope I covered everything! 

Love, 

Allison