Human Pin Cushion

Yep! That's me...the human wonder.  The living pin cushion!

Today was the day for a head/neck ultrasound to take a peek at my remaining lymph nodes.  If anything looked suspicious, my doctor (Dr. Pitman) requested that the radiologist (Dr. Schomer) biopsy it right then and there.

I crossed all ten fingers and all ten toes while the tech did the ultrasound. Thinking to myself, "Please don't let there be anything suspicious that needs biopsied."

Then, the tech finished the ultrasound and went to talk to the radiologist. Sure enough, she came back and informed me that there was a questionable area that Dr. Schomer wanted to biopsy.  DANG!

But, come to find out it wasn't a lymph node. It was an area in my right thyroid bed. Upon looking at it further by ultrasound, he questioned whether it was actually scar tissue.  He numbed me up with lidocaine and did a fine needle biopsy.  For those of you who don't know what that means, it means that he gave me a couple shots with a needle to numb my neck and then stuck a small needle in 3 times.  Each time he jiggled it around to get a tissue sample. He used the ultrasound machine to ensure he was sampling the correct area. This is the 2nd time I've had a biopsy on my neck.  The 1st time I was pregnant with Kendi and still had a thyroid and the results came back normal (go figure).

Anyways...they transfer the collected tissue onto slides and the slides are then analyzed by a lab. Dr. Schomer will still send my slides to the lab, but he took a quick look at them himself under a microscope. He said all he saw was some clear fluid on one, and then debris and blood on the other.  He said they were very hypocellular which would be consistent with scar tissue since I only had surgery a month ago.

YAY!

We'll see what the actual lab results show. But it's looking good!

Other than that, I went to Sam's Club...with 2 kids...by myself! Yikes! I don't think I've ever said, "We can't eat bananas yet! We have to buy them first!" so many times in my life.  I usually only take the kids with me when Jereld goes. It was an adventure! Hats off to you ladies (or gents) that do it all the time!

Then, while unloading the groceries, my friend (Brooke) and her kiddos walked by.  Beau wanted to go with them so so bad, so she took him (Thanks Brooke!) and then I met up with her a few minutes later and walked a little bit.

Busy busy day! I am exhausted...and I even took a nap! :)

Goodnight everyone!



   

MD Anderson Cancer Center

I had my appointment today at MD Anderson Cancer Center.

You may have seen it before.  I know that I have noticed it driving on the US60.  

I saw Dr. Pitman today and WOW WHAT A DIFFERENCE! The whole process at MD Anderson is really different from your typical oncologist visit (at least compared to the visit I had with Dr. Maggass.)

I didn't get any definitive answers today and that is A-OKAY with me! First, Dr. Pitman just got a history of my thyroid issues and other applicable health information.  But what really set her apart from the other doctors that I have seen so far is that she seems to be focused on what will work for ME.  For example, she asked if we were done having kids.  When I told her that we are not, she noted that down and said that when the doctors review a case they like to have all the relevant facts, and if it's important to me, it is important to them! 

Basically, what will happen next is that I will go for another ultrasound on my neck and lymph nodes to see if they can tell if I have cancer in any other areas.  If they suspect anything from the ultrasound they will do a needle biopsy right then and there.  

On Thursdays,  the doctors of MD Anderson all get together in a meeting and discuss patients and their individual cases by examining all the facts and decide on a treatment plan together.

So, what does this mean for me? 

The doctors will request my records, pathology slides, ultrasounds, etc. They will review it all.  They will have their pathologist review my slides to see if anything was missed. 

After reviewing all the information, they will make a treatment recommendation.  So, instead of having 1 doctor look everything over, I will have 10 or so discussing it and making a decision together.  

I could still be treated by Dr. Maggass.  Or, I could decide to go with MD Andersen and Dr. Pitman.  We will see what feels right.  I do know that I feel it's a HUGE blessing I got in to MD Andersen.  Apparently, they cannot accept all patients and have to turn some away because they do not have the ability to treat everyone who wants to be treated there. From what Bill (our volunteer tour guide of sorts--MD Anderson provides one for every new patient) said, I am very lucky to get in.  But, I don't believe in luck, remember?!?! I give all the credit to God.

I really liked Dr. Pitman.  She was very serious, but I guess she has to be.  She let me know that they will recommend a treatment, but that if I decide that I would prefer to do something different than their recommendation, she will still be my doctor and work with me.  I really appreciate that kind of doctor.

She also mentioned that we are in no rush to make a decision.  My prognosis remains the same even if I was to wait to be treated. So, if Radioactive Iodine ends up being the way to go, I won't be doing that for at least 6 weeks.  It feels much more manageable to not have to rush to make a decision about my health this big.    

So...all in all...GREAT experience today!

Matthew 6:28-34 says-  

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

This song sums up how I feel!   

Doctors visits galore! Oh...and some pirates, too!

Today has definitely been one for the books!

We woke up earlier than normal so that we could go grab free doughnuts from Krispy Kreme for Talk Like a Pirate Day. Delicious! I am embarrassed ashamed to say how many I've already eaten. Mmmm!  We all dressed up like pirates (minus Kendi...we didn't make her dress up) and got 3 dozen free doughnuts.  I'm hoping that I don't find out I'm diabetic on top of the cancer! Ha ha.

Here's a couple pictures for your enjoyment!

After Krispy Kreme, we RUSHED home and changed really quickly to drop the kids of at Sarah & Jake's house (thanks for watching them guys!) and RUSH to see Dr. Maggass.  A Radiation Oncologist. I'll get to what we learned later.  First I need to explain a couple things. 

On Monday, I had my post-op appointment with Dr. Rothman (the surgeon who removed my thyroid).  Everything checked out minus my singing voice.  I have to give that another month before I can try singing high notes. But, he said that side effect is normal. The nerve that you use to raise the pitch of your voice is really close to your thyroid and more affected than the one you use for talking normal. So, that would be why I have trouble singing/why it hurts to try to sing high notes.  Remember how I told you in a previous post that Dr. Rothman has a terrible bedside manner?!?!  Well, I was almost in tears when I left his office.  He's kind of a jerk, but the type of jerk that is good at what he does so you let him operate on your neck twice and just remind yourself that you don't have to be best friends. I just loved playing 20 questions in his office.  "Where are you singing?" "Why do you need to sing?" "Why would you really need to sing?"  etc. 

Monday afternoon, I was driving home from the fabric store and had the thought, "I should call and schedule an appointment with Uncle Max. He might have an opinion about the whole thing or know someone who is good that I could get a 2nd opinion from." So, I made an appointment for the next day.  (I really feel like it was the Spirit telling me to go see him). Uncle Max=Dr. Germaine a family doctor here in the valley.  If you need a good family doctor, he's your guy! 

Tuesday, I went to my appointment with my Uncle Max. I cried in his office.  But, I guess that's okay because I've been under a lot of stress lately. He helped give me peace of mind, referred me to the MD Anderson Cancer Center, and gave me a big hug. He was awesome! As I drove away from his office, the tears ran down my face.  This was yet another incident lately that showed me how much God loves me. Logically, going to a family doctor after already seeing several specialists doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it just felt like the right thing to do, and it was! I'm grateful for the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, without them I don't know where I would be.  

Wednesday, I stayed at home...finally! Jereld did go get our puppy (Pepper) her rabies shot and registration, but that was all that was out of the norm and it felt nice to have a little break. 

Then there was today.  I went to see Dr. Maggass (Radiation Oncologist). I'm sure it takes a special person to be an oncologist. Not really a happy, feel-good line of work I'm sure. In fact, there was a super grouchy guy in the waiting room that accidentally spilled his water on his shirt and then threw his water bottle cap.  I'm sure he doesn't feel good having cancer and everything, but really!?!?! 

Dr Maggass recommended that I go ahead with the RAI treatment. He said a scan would not change his opinion because the scans are not all that accurate. I found out that I can't be around my kids for 7 days (wish it was the 3 day quote I was given...that would have been so much better). I can resume life with Jereld as normal after 3 days so he suggested we leave the kids with someone and go on a little vacation for the remaining 4.  He said my cancer is an odd case because they didn't find the source of my cancer...but I already knew that. He let me know that I will have to go off my thyroid meds so that I will be hypothyroid for a while before the treatment. I will also have to be on a low-iodine diet for about 2 weeks. I will get blood work done once a week until my levels of thyroglobulin are in the correct range and then they would pull the trigger on the RAI therapy. FUN! There was more discussed, but that was the gist of it.  

Tomorrow, I go to MD Anderson Cancer Center for my 2nd opinion.  We'll see what they have to say and if I like their plan better or feel more comfortable with them. 

As of right now, we feel like we want to get the 2nd opinion and pray about things before making any decisions. Right now, I am recognizing more and more that the Gift of the Holy Ghost is incredibly important.  I am realizing more and more that the ability to "always have His Spirit" to be with me is what I need. It's such a blessing.  

  

Perspective

I hope this post will not sound insensitive to others with cancer, because it is the real, raw thoughts floating around in my head.

You know those optical illusions...like the one where you can either see 2 faces or a candlestick???

If I compared my life to that, I would have to say that pre-cancer I always saw the candlestick, but post-cancer I see the faces.

I went to Joann's fabric today and saw a middle-aged woman who had lost her hair and was wearing a cancer turban (Is that what they are called?!?!?! You know what I'm talking about right?!?!?).

Pre-cancer I would have thought, "How sad! She's so young to have cancer! How hard to lose your hair!"...etc.

Post-cancer I found myself wanting to thank the woman for being a hero! I wanted to tell her how much it meant to me that someone in the midst of one the hardest things out there to go through would be at a craft store so that I could see that LIFE GOES ON! So that I could see that she wasn't going to let cancer get her down.

I probably should have said something, but you know how you start worrying that the person will think your a crazy or a weirdo or something, so I didn't.

But, THANK YOU, whoever you are!

I am grateful that the treatment for my cancer will not include Chemo.  To those who have to do chemo and lose all their hair, I applaud you! You are amazing!

Straight from the head of a cancer patient

Today, I went to church.

Church is always a great way to start my week! It helps me to refocus my life and start fresh.  When I'm unable to attend (like the 2 Sundays I missed after my surgeries) I miss taking the Sacrament to renew the covenants I made with God when I was baptized.

Today was no different.  Not only was I able to refocus, but I was able to speak to a couple great friends and share with them how I feel about this whole cancer situation.  You see...I have quickly learned that most people who do not have cancer can't imagine what my life is now like.

WARNING: I will be talking about my cancer again.  This is my blog.  All my thoughts go here.  If you're tired of reading about it, I gave you fair warning :)!

Finding out that I had cancer was one of the worst moments (if not THE worst moment) of my life. I literally felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I found out through a VOICEMAIL that the doctor left me (he doesn't have a great bedside manner).  To top it off, Jereld happened to be at Home Depot at the time and even thought I tried to call the doctor back, he went to lunch shortly after leaving the message and I could only reach his answering service for 1 1/2 hours.  Jereld rushed home when I called him.  He even took the day off work.  We were both in shock.

But, even though this is the hardest thing that has ever happened to us, it has been the most spiritual experience of our lives.

The days and weeks that have followed have mostly been filled with peace.  Yes, (like I've mentioned before) I do have my panic moments and my moments of weakness, but the Holy Spirit has filled our home with a quiet, comforting peace.  It's not that the Spirit wasn't in our home before, but we just feel like we recognize his presence more and that we invite him with our actions more. We are praying more than we ever have. We are treasuring the little moments we have together more and more.

It's unfortunate that it took me getting cancer for us to become more humble.  Jereld jokes that I should remind him next time to start reading his scriptures for 5 hours a day so that no one else has to get cancer. {PS-This is a joke.  We've never read scriptures for 5 hours a day. Only 4 hours a day...ok ok I'm still joking about the 4 hours.}

The one thing about cancer that makes it hard is that there is no absolute fool-proof cure.  Basically, all I can do is get treated the best I can and then pray for God's help. My hands are pretty much tied and the only person with a knife to cut the rope I am bound with is the Lord.
 
1 Nephi 7:12 says, "Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ not only died for my sins, but that he died so that he could break the bands of death.  I WILL live again!

Even though I don't feel like I will die anytime soon, I will die someday.  We all will! Knowing that, after this life, I will be with my precious Beau, my sweet Kendi, and the love of my life, Jereld, again is very precious to me.

Basically, the only way I am getting through this whole ordeal is with the help of Jesus Christ and the enabling power of His Atonement.

Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

I wish I could have learned how amazing it is to feel the Holy Spirit a little more often without having to get cancer, but--what can I say--some of us are a little more hard headed than others. Apparently, I was living far below my privileges (see short clip below).

I've still got a long ways to go...and a lot more hard lessons to learn! Isn't that comforting?!?!? LOL

BBQ at the Zoo :)

We went to the zoo today with my friend from BYU, Ari, and her cute little son, Eli.  Unfortunately, the only thing on the barbeque menu...was US! It was SO HOT! Dang Arizona! Maybe we'll be able to enjoy the zoo more in the coming months! 

This was my 1st outing with the kiddos (without Jereld) post-surgery.  It wasn't too bad.  My throat starting hurting after yelling at the splash pad a few times, but it wasn't too bad! 

Ari taking the boys up the tower to see the giraffes! 

Ari & Eli by the rhino!

 Beau & me by the rhino

 The best part of the whole day! The splash pad! 

 Eli, Kendi, & Ari

Eli 

My kids had a lot of fun despite the heat.  Beau was screaming for 15 minutes straight on the way home! "NOOOOOOO!! ZOOOOOO!!!"  and crying and screaming some more! It was a long drive home! 

Thanks, Ari & Eli! 

I Broked It!

Cleaning up after the kids are in bed is something I have grown accustomed to. That's what I was doing before calming Beau down and trying to get him back to sleep.  Yep! He woke up crying hysterically that he had broken his bed.  I tried to reason with him and show him it wasn't broken.  Have you ever tried reasoning with a 2 1/2 year old who has awoken from a deep sleep at 10:30 pm? It's not pretty. The only thing that would soothe him was being held and then read to and then cuddled. 

Today was HARD! I am feeling it! My whole body is screaming at me to go to bed.  But here I sit typing this (technically Jereld gets home in about 20 minutes or so...so that is really why I'm up). 

Today was also fun! One of my best friends came over (shout out to Danny Lad--this is a code name don't worry if you don't know who I'm talking about)...knee scooter and all! Beau LOVED the knee scooter! I'm glad DL isn't afraid of a little bare bum sitting on her knee scooter--or a crazy little kid doing gymnastics on it either! 

What was so hard about today then?!?!? Cleaning up #2 off my carpet...twice. Yep. Potty training. Sometimes I just don't know...I take it back...I do know. The Pull-ups have to go.  But, with all the craziness going on around here, Pull-ups are sort of a crutch I've come to rely on. Dang.  Not to mention that the kiddos seem to know that what they once knew as "normal" around our house is long gone.  There have been times that their mom and dad have been gone and grandmas and others have had to watch them. There have been times that Mom could not pick up Beau for weeks. There have been many many times that Mom has left to go to a doctor's appointment. There have been many emotions and lots of stress.  How could we expect the kids to go on like nothing is different?!?!? 

Life has been hard lately. Period. 

But, I don't know what I would do without my 2 little miracles.  As I laid next to my little buddy, reading story after story and looking at the tractor picture book over and over and over, I didn't want the moment to end. I just wanted to soak up as much of that moment as possible. I didn't want him to be one day older. 

I know you can't see them, but tears of gratefulness to God for my little family are rolling down my cheeks.  I love them.  Regardless of the poop I cleaned off the carpet, regardless of the sleepless nights I've spent caring for them, regardless of the cranky times and the wild times and the messy times, I LOVE THEM! I love them to my very core.  

I know that I can be with them forever, and that is what gets me through the hard days and the doubting moments.