Life goes on

It's comforting to know that even when you have cancer, life goes on.

My kids still need their mom, and I am happy to oblige! (Most of the time at least...sometimes moms need a little break, too! Like occasionally getting to use the restroom alone...that sort of thing.)

I have returned to running! This evening I ran a 5k (3.1 miles). It is refreshing to know that I can still get my body to do things even though it has been through a whirlwind of problems lately.

One thing that has been interesting (for lack of a better word) is going on the permanent synthetic thyroid hormone.  The dreaded SYNTHROID!

I will say that I don't feel totally the same as I did before the surgeries.  Your body's natural thyroid hormone is obviously superior to anything a chemist can whip up.  I have to be on a higher dose of Synthroid because I have had cancer.  Simply put (because it's more complicated than this), when you're on a higher dose your cancer is less likely to grow/come back.  At first, I was started out on 150 mcg of Synthroid.  And, let me tell you what...heart palpitations are sort of scary.  So, that dose was discontinued and I'm now on 125 mcg a day.  Hopefully I will start to normalize.

One of the weirdest things I experience right now (and something that my doctor will definitely be asked when I go next) is why I am so cold at night.  Seriously, it's embarrassing.  Jereld sleeps with a sheet. I sleep with the sheet, a quilt, and a flannel quilt.  If I don't, I am too cold to fall asleep.  But, this only applies to nighttime.

Another adjustment I've had to make is that this medication is supposed to be taken on an empty stomach and 30-60 minutes before you eat anything.  So, you're supposed to take it in the morning and then starve for an hour.  My solution??? Set an alarm for an hour before I want to be awake.  Wake up, take medication, go back to bed. Works for me!  Just annoying.

Prior to going on permanent medication, I was on a temporary medication called Cytomel (or liothyronine).   My doctor at MD Anderson told me that I was hypothyroid because of it...which would explain the weight I've gained since my surgeries--9 lbs of unwelcome weight in under 2 months.

I'm running now and trying to eat healthy, so this weight better come off! I have already shed 2 lbs worth! Yay!

In other news: Kendi said "amen" at the end of family prayers tonight.  I wish Jereld wasn't working and could have heard her.  When she watched Jereld dribble a basketball today, she made a dribbling motion with her hand in the air.  Her Grandpa Payne would be proud--we're teaching her young!

Beau got a "haircut" yesterday. I haven't been able to do anything but a buzz cut lately.  He screams and jerks his head around through any haircut I try giving him, so I don't waste my time trying anything but a buzz. Beau is super good at letting me know when things are the "same" (e.g. 2 things are green).  He points from one object to the other and says, "See, Mom!?!? Same and same!!!"

We went to the zoo today with some friends (the Merrills & the Porters).  It was really fun! Beau did great today! He is really starting to be easier to take places.  When we got home, the kids CRASHED!  They were so worn out! I had the hardest time getting Beau to wake up from his nap. He reminds me of Jereld when it comes to naps.

One funny thing that Beau asked me for the other day was "Cop Porn."  I figured out that he really meant "Popcorn" but got a good laugh.  Hopefully he won't ask for any "Cop Porn" while we're out in public.  That could be awkward.

Prayers Answered

I just got off the phone with Dr. Pitman!!

They had Tumor Board at MD Anderson today and discussed my case! This was a surprise to me.  I didn't think they would be discussing it because I didn't think my results from my biopsy yesterday would be ready, but they were!

When they reviewed my case the tumor board decided that Radioactive Iodine was NOT the right way to treat ME.

Their approach is entirely different than Dr. Maggass's suggestion.  They want to have me go for regular ultrasounds (about every 6 to 8 weeks) for the first year.  And continue having ultrasounds after that until I am done having kids.  They feel that right now is the best time for us to finish having our family (because I am the right age for having kids and the longer we wait the harder it will be--also there are risks associated with having kids after RAI treatment).

Because MD Anderson has a baseline ultrasound (the one they did yesterday), by doing regular ultrasounds they will be able to catch any changes quickly and treat accordingly.

I will have to get some more blood work done Monday to check my TSH levels, but after that I go on permanent thyroid medication (instead of the temporary stuff I've been taking).  AND--the biggest news yet--have clearance from the doctors to start trying to have a baby whenever we feel ready.  (DISCLAIMER: It may be a while, we still only have an 11 month old...give us a little break! And we swore up and down that we wouldn't have our next baby as close as we had Beau & Kendi.)

Needless to say, we are celebrating at our house!

Our prayers have been answered! We give all glory and credit to God!

Love this talk by Richard G. Scott about recognizing answers to prayer.

Human Pin Cushion

Yep! That's me...the human wonder.  The living pin cushion!

Today was the day for a head/neck ultrasound to take a peek at my remaining lymph nodes.  If anything looked suspicious, my doctor (Dr. Pitman) requested that the radiologist (Dr. Schomer) biopsy it right then and there.

I crossed all ten fingers and all ten toes while the tech did the ultrasound. Thinking to myself, "Please don't let there be anything suspicious that needs biopsied."

Then, the tech finished the ultrasound and went to talk to the radiologist. Sure enough, she came back and informed me that there was a questionable area that Dr. Schomer wanted to biopsy.  DANG!

But, come to find out it wasn't a lymph node. It was an area in my right thyroid bed. Upon looking at it further by ultrasound, he questioned whether it was actually scar tissue.  He numbed me up with lidocaine and did a fine needle biopsy.  For those of you who don't know what that means, it means that he gave me a couple shots with a needle to numb my neck and then stuck a small needle in 3 times.  Each time he jiggled it around to get a tissue sample. He used the ultrasound machine to ensure he was sampling the correct area. This is the 2nd time I've had a biopsy on my neck.  The 1st time I was pregnant with Kendi and still had a thyroid and the results came back normal (go figure).

Anyways...they transfer the collected tissue onto slides and the slides are then analyzed by a lab. Dr. Schomer will still send my slides to the lab, but he took a quick look at them himself under a microscope. He said all he saw was some clear fluid on one, and then debris and blood on the other.  He said they were very hypocellular which would be consistent with scar tissue since I only had surgery a month ago.

YAY!

We'll see what the actual lab results show. But it's looking good!

Other than that, I went to Sam's Club...with 2 kids...by myself! Yikes! I don't think I've ever said, "We can't eat bananas yet! We have to buy them first!" so many times in my life.  I usually only take the kids with me when Jereld goes. It was an adventure! Hats off to you ladies (or gents) that do it all the time!

Then, while unloading the groceries, my friend (Brooke) and her kiddos walked by.  Beau wanted to go with them so so bad, so she took him (Thanks Brooke!) and then I met up with her a few minutes later and walked a little bit.

Busy busy day! I am exhausted...and I even took a nap! :)

Goodnight everyone!



   

MD Anderson Cancer Center

I had my appointment today at MD Anderson Cancer Center.

You may have seen it before.  I know that I have noticed it driving on the US60.  

I saw Dr. Pitman today and WOW WHAT A DIFFERENCE! The whole process at MD Anderson is really different from your typical oncologist visit (at least compared to the visit I had with Dr. Maggass.)

I didn't get any definitive answers today and that is A-OKAY with me! First, Dr. Pitman just got a history of my thyroid issues and other applicable health information.  But what really set her apart from the other doctors that I have seen so far is that she seems to be focused on what will work for ME.  For example, she asked if we were done having kids.  When I told her that we are not, she noted that down and said that when the doctors review a case they like to have all the relevant facts, and if it's important to me, it is important to them! 

Basically, what will happen next is that I will go for another ultrasound on my neck and lymph nodes to see if they can tell if I have cancer in any other areas.  If they suspect anything from the ultrasound they will do a needle biopsy right then and there.  

On Thursdays,  the doctors of MD Anderson all get together in a meeting and discuss patients and their individual cases by examining all the facts and decide on a treatment plan together.

So, what does this mean for me? 

The doctors will request my records, pathology slides, ultrasounds, etc. They will review it all.  They will have their pathologist review my slides to see if anything was missed. 

After reviewing all the information, they will make a treatment recommendation.  So, instead of having 1 doctor look everything over, I will have 10 or so discussing it and making a decision together.  

I could still be treated by Dr. Maggass.  Or, I could decide to go with MD Andersen and Dr. Pitman.  We will see what feels right.  I do know that I feel it's a HUGE blessing I got in to MD Andersen.  Apparently, they cannot accept all patients and have to turn some away because they do not have the ability to treat everyone who wants to be treated there. From what Bill (our volunteer tour guide of sorts--MD Anderson provides one for every new patient) said, I am very lucky to get in.  But, I don't believe in luck, remember?!?! I give all the credit to God.

I really liked Dr. Pitman.  She was very serious, but I guess she has to be.  She let me know that they will recommend a treatment, but that if I decide that I would prefer to do something different than their recommendation, she will still be my doctor and work with me.  I really appreciate that kind of doctor.

She also mentioned that we are in no rush to make a decision.  My prognosis remains the same even if I was to wait to be treated. So, if Radioactive Iodine ends up being the way to go, I won't be doing that for at least 6 weeks.  It feels much more manageable to not have to rush to make a decision about my health this big.    

So...all in all...GREAT experience today!

Matthew 6:28-34 says-  

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

This song sums up how I feel!   

Doctors visits galore! Oh...and some pirates, too!

Today has definitely been one for the books!

We woke up earlier than normal so that we could go grab free doughnuts from Krispy Kreme for Talk Like a Pirate Day. Delicious! I am embarrassed ashamed to say how many I've already eaten. Mmmm!  We all dressed up like pirates (minus Kendi...we didn't make her dress up) and got 3 dozen free doughnuts.  I'm hoping that I don't find out I'm diabetic on top of the cancer! Ha ha.

Here's a couple pictures for your enjoyment!

After Krispy Kreme, we RUSHED home and changed really quickly to drop the kids of at Sarah & Jake's house (thanks for watching them guys!) and RUSH to see Dr. Maggass.  A Radiation Oncologist. I'll get to what we learned later.  First I need to explain a couple things. 

On Monday, I had my post-op appointment with Dr. Rothman (the surgeon who removed my thyroid).  Everything checked out minus my singing voice.  I have to give that another month before I can try singing high notes. But, he said that side effect is normal. The nerve that you use to raise the pitch of your voice is really close to your thyroid and more affected than the one you use for talking normal. So, that would be why I have trouble singing/why it hurts to try to sing high notes.  Remember how I told you in a previous post that Dr. Rothman has a terrible bedside manner?!?!  Well, I was almost in tears when I left his office.  He's kind of a jerk, but the type of jerk that is good at what he does so you let him operate on your neck twice and just remind yourself that you don't have to be best friends. I just loved playing 20 questions in his office.  "Where are you singing?" "Why do you need to sing?" "Why would you really need to sing?"  etc. 

Monday afternoon, I was driving home from the fabric store and had the thought, "I should call and schedule an appointment with Uncle Max. He might have an opinion about the whole thing or know someone who is good that I could get a 2nd opinion from." So, I made an appointment for the next day.  (I really feel like it was the Spirit telling me to go see him). Uncle Max=Dr. Germaine a family doctor here in the valley.  If you need a good family doctor, he's your guy! 

Tuesday, I went to my appointment with my Uncle Max. I cried in his office.  But, I guess that's okay because I've been under a lot of stress lately. He helped give me peace of mind, referred me to the MD Anderson Cancer Center, and gave me a big hug. He was awesome! As I drove away from his office, the tears ran down my face.  This was yet another incident lately that showed me how much God loves me. Logically, going to a family doctor after already seeing several specialists doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it just felt like the right thing to do, and it was! I'm grateful for the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, without them I don't know where I would be.  

Wednesday, I stayed at home...finally! Jereld did go get our puppy (Pepper) her rabies shot and registration, but that was all that was out of the norm and it felt nice to have a little break. 

Then there was today.  I went to see Dr. Maggass (Radiation Oncologist). I'm sure it takes a special person to be an oncologist. Not really a happy, feel-good line of work I'm sure. In fact, there was a super grouchy guy in the waiting room that accidentally spilled his water on his shirt and then threw his water bottle cap.  I'm sure he doesn't feel good having cancer and everything, but really!?!?! 

Dr Maggass recommended that I go ahead with the RAI treatment. He said a scan would not change his opinion because the scans are not all that accurate. I found out that I can't be around my kids for 7 days (wish it was the 3 day quote I was given...that would have been so much better). I can resume life with Jereld as normal after 3 days so he suggested we leave the kids with someone and go on a little vacation for the remaining 4.  He said my cancer is an odd case because they didn't find the source of my cancer...but I already knew that. He let me know that I will have to go off my thyroid meds so that I will be hypothyroid for a while before the treatment. I will also have to be on a low-iodine diet for about 2 weeks. I will get blood work done once a week until my levels of thyroglobulin are in the correct range and then they would pull the trigger on the RAI therapy. FUN! There was more discussed, but that was the gist of it.  

Tomorrow, I go to MD Anderson Cancer Center for my 2nd opinion.  We'll see what they have to say and if I like their plan better or feel more comfortable with them. 

As of right now, we feel like we want to get the 2nd opinion and pray about things before making any decisions. Right now, I am recognizing more and more that the Gift of the Holy Ghost is incredibly important.  I am realizing more and more that the ability to "always have His Spirit" to be with me is what I need. It's such a blessing.  

  

Perspective

I hope this post will not sound insensitive to others with cancer, because it is the real, raw thoughts floating around in my head.

You know those optical illusions...like the one where you can either see 2 faces or a candlestick???

If I compared my life to that, I would have to say that pre-cancer I always saw the candlestick, but post-cancer I see the faces.

I went to Joann's fabric today and saw a middle-aged woman who had lost her hair and was wearing a cancer turban (Is that what they are called?!?!?! You know what I'm talking about right?!?!?).

Pre-cancer I would have thought, "How sad! She's so young to have cancer! How hard to lose your hair!"...etc.

Post-cancer I found myself wanting to thank the woman for being a hero! I wanted to tell her how much it meant to me that someone in the midst of one the hardest things out there to go through would be at a craft store so that I could see that LIFE GOES ON! So that I could see that she wasn't going to let cancer get her down.

I probably should have said something, but you know how you start worrying that the person will think your a crazy or a weirdo or something, so I didn't.

But, THANK YOU, whoever you are!

I am grateful that the treatment for my cancer will not include Chemo.  To those who have to do chemo and lose all their hair, I applaud you! You are amazing!

Straight from the head of a cancer patient

Today, I went to church.

Church is always a great way to start my week! It helps me to refocus my life and start fresh.  When I'm unable to attend (like the 2 Sundays I missed after my surgeries) I miss taking the Sacrament to renew the covenants I made with God when I was baptized.

Today was no different.  Not only was I able to refocus, but I was able to speak to a couple great friends and share with them how I feel about this whole cancer situation.  You see...I have quickly learned that most people who do not have cancer can't imagine what my life is now like.

WARNING: I will be talking about my cancer again.  This is my blog.  All my thoughts go here.  If you're tired of reading about it, I gave you fair warning :)!

Finding out that I had cancer was one of the worst moments (if not THE worst moment) of my life. I literally felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I found out through a VOICEMAIL that the doctor left me (he doesn't have a great bedside manner).  To top it off, Jereld happened to be at Home Depot at the time and even thought I tried to call the doctor back, he went to lunch shortly after leaving the message and I could only reach his answering service for 1 1/2 hours.  Jereld rushed home when I called him.  He even took the day off work.  We were both in shock.

But, even though this is the hardest thing that has ever happened to us, it has been the most spiritual experience of our lives.

The days and weeks that have followed have mostly been filled with peace.  Yes, (like I've mentioned before) I do have my panic moments and my moments of weakness, but the Holy Spirit has filled our home with a quiet, comforting peace.  It's not that the Spirit wasn't in our home before, but we just feel like we recognize his presence more and that we invite him with our actions more. We are praying more than we ever have. We are treasuring the little moments we have together more and more.

It's unfortunate that it took me getting cancer for us to become more humble.  Jereld jokes that I should remind him next time to start reading his scriptures for 5 hours a day so that no one else has to get cancer. {PS-This is a joke.  We've never read scriptures for 5 hours a day. Only 4 hours a day...ok ok I'm still joking about the 4 hours.}

The one thing about cancer that makes it hard is that there is no absolute fool-proof cure.  Basically, all I can do is get treated the best I can and then pray for God's help. My hands are pretty much tied and the only person with a knife to cut the rope I am bound with is the Lord.
 
1 Nephi 7:12 says, "Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ not only died for my sins, but that he died so that he could break the bands of death.  I WILL live again!

Even though I don't feel like I will die anytime soon, I will die someday.  We all will! Knowing that, after this life, I will be with my precious Beau, my sweet Kendi, and the love of my life, Jereld, again is very precious to me.

Basically, the only way I am getting through this whole ordeal is with the help of Jesus Christ and the enabling power of His Atonement.

Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

I wish I could have learned how amazing it is to feel the Holy Spirit a little more often without having to get cancer, but--what can I say--some of us are a little more hard headed than others. Apparently, I was living far below my privileges (see short clip below).

I've still got a long ways to go...and a lot more hard lessons to learn! Isn't that comforting?!?!? LOL