Uncertainty

Almost 2 weeks ago, I had a follow-up ultrasound on my neck. It was the first of what I'm sure will be many! When the tech was done, she sent me on my way, wondering what the outcome would be.  The radiologist wasn't there yet.

Fast forward to last week.  After waiting for about 2 hours to even see my doctor (she must be a very busy lady.) I was informed that a lymph node in my neck was enlarged and that I would need another ultrasound (this time by the radiologist himself) and a biopsy if the radiologist felt it was necessary. 

When I went in for the first ultrasound, my throat was sore and I was congested and wasn't feeling well.  But, I didn't want to cancel my appointment.  I mentioned this to the doctor and she said it's likely that my lymph node was enlarged because I was sick, BUT they have to make sure. 

(image courtesy of cedar-sinai.edu) 

I've also been having a rough time in other areas. I have been having lots of anxiety lately. Going to the grocery store, attending a different Sunday School class, going to a consignment sale, going to a different building for church meetings, all causes of anxiety for me lately (and they never caused anxiety before). My doctors are unsure, but it's possible that my medication could be a tad too high and causing my anxiety....or it could be the fact that I have cancer and my stress levels are higher than they ever were. 

I tried taking Paxil (an anti-anxiety med), but all it did was make me feel terrible! I would rather have anxiety than take the medication.  Even thinking about taking the medication makes me anxious...lol. 

I have a good friend who recommended essential oils. She uses them for her anxiety and has seen a difference. I have been a skeptic (at best) when it comes to essential oils, but I don't see the harm in using them for aromatherapy. On of the ones she recommended I try is frankincense. Another is Quiescent and another is peppermint. 

I will let you know what I figure out.

She also let me borrow this book: 

I haven't started reading it...YET.  But, tonight I will!

Any recommendations for anxiety?  I know lots of people have it, so fire away in the comments section! I need all the help I can get! 

Life goes on

It's comforting to know that even when you have cancer, life goes on.

My kids still need their mom, and I am happy to oblige! (Most of the time at least...sometimes moms need a little break, too! Like occasionally getting to use the restroom alone...that sort of thing.)

I have returned to running! This evening I ran a 5k (3.1 miles). It is refreshing to know that I can still get my body to do things even though it has been through a whirlwind of problems lately.

One thing that has been interesting (for lack of a better word) is going on the permanent synthetic thyroid hormone.  The dreaded SYNTHROID!

I will say that I don't feel totally the same as I did before the surgeries.  Your body's natural thyroid hormone is obviously superior to anything a chemist can whip up.  I have to be on a higher dose of Synthroid because I have had cancer.  Simply put (because it's more complicated than this), when you're on a higher dose your cancer is less likely to grow/come back.  At first, I was started out on 150 mcg of Synthroid.  And, let me tell you what...heart palpitations are sort of scary.  So, that dose was discontinued and I'm now on 125 mcg a day.  Hopefully I will start to normalize.

One of the weirdest things I experience right now (and something that my doctor will definitely be asked when I go next) is why I am so cold at night.  Seriously, it's embarrassing.  Jereld sleeps with a sheet. I sleep with the sheet, a quilt, and a flannel quilt.  If I don't, I am too cold to fall asleep.  But, this only applies to nighttime.

Another adjustment I've had to make is that this medication is supposed to be taken on an empty stomach and 30-60 minutes before you eat anything.  So, you're supposed to take it in the morning and then starve for an hour.  My solution??? Set an alarm for an hour before I want to be awake.  Wake up, take medication, go back to bed. Works for me!  Just annoying.

Prior to going on permanent medication, I was on a temporary medication called Cytomel (or liothyronine).   My doctor at MD Anderson told me that I was hypothyroid because of it...which would explain the weight I've gained since my surgeries--9 lbs of unwelcome weight in under 2 months.

I'm running now and trying to eat healthy, so this weight better come off! I have already shed 2 lbs worth! Yay!

In other news: Kendi said "amen" at the end of family prayers tonight.  I wish Jereld wasn't working and could have heard her.  When she watched Jereld dribble a basketball today, she made a dribbling motion with her hand in the air.  Her Grandpa Payne would be proud--we're teaching her young!

Beau got a "haircut" yesterday. I haven't been able to do anything but a buzz cut lately.  He screams and jerks his head around through any haircut I try giving him, so I don't waste my time trying anything but a buzz. Beau is super good at letting me know when things are the "same" (e.g. 2 things are green).  He points from one object to the other and says, "See, Mom!?!? Same and same!!!"

We went to the zoo today with some friends (the Merrills & the Porters).  It was really fun! Beau did great today! He is really starting to be easier to take places.  When we got home, the kids CRASHED!  They were so worn out! I had the hardest time getting Beau to wake up from his nap. He reminds me of Jereld when it comes to naps.

One funny thing that Beau asked me for the other day was "Cop Porn."  I figured out that he really meant "Popcorn" but got a good laugh.  Hopefully he won't ask for any "Cop Porn" while we're out in public.  That could be awkward.

Prayers Answered

I just got off the phone with Dr. Pitman!!

They had Tumor Board at MD Anderson today and discussed my case! This was a surprise to me.  I didn't think they would be discussing it because I didn't think my results from my biopsy yesterday would be ready, but they were!

When they reviewed my case the tumor board decided that Radioactive Iodine was NOT the right way to treat ME.

Their approach is entirely different than Dr. Maggass's suggestion.  They want to have me go for regular ultrasounds (about every 6 to 8 weeks) for the first year.  And continue having ultrasounds after that until I am done having kids.  They feel that right now is the best time for us to finish having our family (because I am the right age for having kids and the longer we wait the harder it will be--also there are risks associated with having kids after RAI treatment).

Because MD Anderson has a baseline ultrasound (the one they did yesterday), by doing regular ultrasounds they will be able to catch any changes quickly and treat accordingly.

I will have to get some more blood work done Monday to check my TSH levels, but after that I go on permanent thyroid medication (instead of the temporary stuff I've been taking).  AND--the biggest news yet--have clearance from the doctors to start trying to have a baby whenever we feel ready.  (DISCLAIMER: It may be a while, we still only have an 11 month old...give us a little break! And we swore up and down that we wouldn't have our next baby as close as we had Beau & Kendi.)

Needless to say, we are celebrating at our house!

Our prayers have been answered! We give all glory and credit to God!

Love this talk by Richard G. Scott about recognizing answers to prayer.

Human Pin Cushion

Yep! That's me...the human wonder.  The living pin cushion!

Today was the day for a head/neck ultrasound to take a peek at my remaining lymph nodes.  If anything looked suspicious, my doctor (Dr. Pitman) requested that the radiologist (Dr. Schomer) biopsy it right then and there.

I crossed all ten fingers and all ten toes while the tech did the ultrasound. Thinking to myself, "Please don't let there be anything suspicious that needs biopsied."

Then, the tech finished the ultrasound and went to talk to the radiologist. Sure enough, she came back and informed me that there was a questionable area that Dr. Schomer wanted to biopsy.  DANG!

But, come to find out it wasn't a lymph node. It was an area in my right thyroid bed. Upon looking at it further by ultrasound, he questioned whether it was actually scar tissue.  He numbed me up with lidocaine and did a fine needle biopsy.  For those of you who don't know what that means, it means that he gave me a couple shots with a needle to numb my neck and then stuck a small needle in 3 times.  Each time he jiggled it around to get a tissue sample. He used the ultrasound machine to ensure he was sampling the correct area. This is the 2nd time I've had a biopsy on my neck.  The 1st time I was pregnant with Kendi and still had a thyroid and the results came back normal (go figure).

Anyways...they transfer the collected tissue onto slides and the slides are then analyzed by a lab. Dr. Schomer will still send my slides to the lab, but he took a quick look at them himself under a microscope. He said all he saw was some clear fluid on one, and then debris and blood on the other.  He said they were very hypocellular which would be consistent with scar tissue since I only had surgery a month ago.

YAY!

We'll see what the actual lab results show. But it's looking good!

Other than that, I went to Sam's Club...with 2 kids...by myself! Yikes! I don't think I've ever said, "We can't eat bananas yet! We have to buy them first!" so many times in my life.  I usually only take the kids with me when Jereld goes. It was an adventure! Hats off to you ladies (or gents) that do it all the time!

Then, while unloading the groceries, my friend (Brooke) and her kiddos walked by.  Beau wanted to go with them so so bad, so she took him (Thanks Brooke!) and then I met up with her a few minutes later and walked a little bit.

Busy busy day! I am exhausted...and I even took a nap! :)

Goodnight everyone!



   

MD Anderson Cancer Center

I had my appointment today at MD Anderson Cancer Center.

You may have seen it before.  I know that I have noticed it driving on the US60.  

I saw Dr. Pitman today and WOW WHAT A DIFFERENCE! The whole process at MD Anderson is really different from your typical oncologist visit (at least compared to the visit I had with Dr. Maggass.)

I didn't get any definitive answers today and that is A-OKAY with me! First, Dr. Pitman just got a history of my thyroid issues and other applicable health information.  But what really set her apart from the other doctors that I have seen so far is that she seems to be focused on what will work for ME.  For example, she asked if we were done having kids.  When I told her that we are not, she noted that down and said that when the doctors review a case they like to have all the relevant facts, and if it's important to me, it is important to them! 

Basically, what will happen next is that I will go for another ultrasound on my neck and lymph nodes to see if they can tell if I have cancer in any other areas.  If they suspect anything from the ultrasound they will do a needle biopsy right then and there.  

On Thursdays,  the doctors of MD Anderson all get together in a meeting and discuss patients and their individual cases by examining all the facts and decide on a treatment plan together.

So, what does this mean for me? 

The doctors will request my records, pathology slides, ultrasounds, etc. They will review it all.  They will have their pathologist review my slides to see if anything was missed. 

After reviewing all the information, they will make a treatment recommendation.  So, instead of having 1 doctor look everything over, I will have 10 or so discussing it and making a decision together.  

I could still be treated by Dr. Maggass.  Or, I could decide to go with MD Andersen and Dr. Pitman.  We will see what feels right.  I do know that I feel it's a HUGE blessing I got in to MD Andersen.  Apparently, they cannot accept all patients and have to turn some away because they do not have the ability to treat everyone who wants to be treated there. From what Bill (our volunteer tour guide of sorts--MD Anderson provides one for every new patient) said, I am very lucky to get in.  But, I don't believe in luck, remember?!?! I give all the credit to God.

I really liked Dr. Pitman.  She was very serious, but I guess she has to be.  She let me know that they will recommend a treatment, but that if I decide that I would prefer to do something different than their recommendation, she will still be my doctor and work with me.  I really appreciate that kind of doctor.

She also mentioned that we are in no rush to make a decision.  My prognosis remains the same even if I was to wait to be treated. So, if Radioactive Iodine ends up being the way to go, I won't be doing that for at least 6 weeks.  It feels much more manageable to not have to rush to make a decision about my health this big.    

So...all in all...GREAT experience today!

Matthew 6:28-34 says-  

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

This song sums up how I feel!   

Doctors visits galore! Oh...and some pirates, too!

Today has definitely been one for the books!

We woke up earlier than normal so that we could go grab free doughnuts from Krispy Kreme for Talk Like a Pirate Day. Delicious! I am embarrassed ashamed to say how many I've already eaten. Mmmm!  We all dressed up like pirates (minus Kendi...we didn't make her dress up) and got 3 dozen free doughnuts.  I'm hoping that I don't find out I'm diabetic on top of the cancer! Ha ha.

Here's a couple pictures for your enjoyment!

After Krispy Kreme, we RUSHED home and changed really quickly to drop the kids of at Sarah & Jake's house (thanks for watching them guys!) and RUSH to see Dr. Maggass.  A Radiation Oncologist. I'll get to what we learned later.  First I need to explain a couple things. 

On Monday, I had my post-op appointment with Dr. Rothman (the surgeon who removed my thyroid).  Everything checked out minus my singing voice.  I have to give that another month before I can try singing high notes. But, he said that side effect is normal. The nerve that you use to raise the pitch of your voice is really close to your thyroid and more affected than the one you use for talking normal. So, that would be why I have trouble singing/why it hurts to try to sing high notes.  Remember how I told you in a previous post that Dr. Rothman has a terrible bedside manner?!?!  Well, I was almost in tears when I left his office.  He's kind of a jerk, but the type of jerk that is good at what he does so you let him operate on your neck twice and just remind yourself that you don't have to be best friends. I just loved playing 20 questions in his office.  "Where are you singing?" "Why do you need to sing?" "Why would you really need to sing?"  etc. 

Monday afternoon, I was driving home from the fabric store and had the thought, "I should call and schedule an appointment with Uncle Max. He might have an opinion about the whole thing or know someone who is good that I could get a 2nd opinion from." So, I made an appointment for the next day.  (I really feel like it was the Spirit telling me to go see him). Uncle Max=Dr. Germaine a family doctor here in the valley.  If you need a good family doctor, he's your guy! 

Tuesday, I went to my appointment with my Uncle Max. I cried in his office.  But, I guess that's okay because I've been under a lot of stress lately. He helped give me peace of mind, referred me to the MD Anderson Cancer Center, and gave me a big hug. He was awesome! As I drove away from his office, the tears ran down my face.  This was yet another incident lately that showed me how much God loves me. Logically, going to a family doctor after already seeing several specialists doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it just felt like the right thing to do, and it was! I'm grateful for the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, without them I don't know where I would be.  

Wednesday, I stayed at home...finally! Jereld did go get our puppy (Pepper) her rabies shot and registration, but that was all that was out of the norm and it felt nice to have a little break. 

Then there was today.  I went to see Dr. Maggass (Radiation Oncologist). I'm sure it takes a special person to be an oncologist. Not really a happy, feel-good line of work I'm sure. In fact, there was a super grouchy guy in the waiting room that accidentally spilled his water on his shirt and then threw his water bottle cap.  I'm sure he doesn't feel good having cancer and everything, but really!?!?! 

Dr Maggass recommended that I go ahead with the RAI treatment. He said a scan would not change his opinion because the scans are not all that accurate. I found out that I can't be around my kids for 7 days (wish it was the 3 day quote I was given...that would have been so much better). I can resume life with Jereld as normal after 3 days so he suggested we leave the kids with someone and go on a little vacation for the remaining 4.  He said my cancer is an odd case because they didn't find the source of my cancer...but I already knew that. He let me know that I will have to go off my thyroid meds so that I will be hypothyroid for a while before the treatment. I will also have to be on a low-iodine diet for about 2 weeks. I will get blood work done once a week until my levels of thyroglobulin are in the correct range and then they would pull the trigger on the RAI therapy. FUN! There was more discussed, but that was the gist of it.  

Tomorrow, I go to MD Anderson Cancer Center for my 2nd opinion.  We'll see what they have to say and if I like their plan better or feel more comfortable with them. 

As of right now, we feel like we want to get the 2nd opinion and pray about things before making any decisions. Right now, I am recognizing more and more that the Gift of the Holy Ghost is incredibly important.  I am realizing more and more that the ability to "always have His Spirit" to be with me is what I need. It's such a blessing.  

  

Perspective

I hope this post will not sound insensitive to others with cancer, because it is the real, raw thoughts floating around in my head.

You know those optical illusions...like the one where you can either see 2 faces or a candlestick???

If I compared my life to that, I would have to say that pre-cancer I always saw the candlestick, but post-cancer I see the faces.

I went to Joann's fabric today and saw a middle-aged woman who had lost her hair and was wearing a cancer turban (Is that what they are called?!?!?! You know what I'm talking about right?!?!?).

Pre-cancer I would have thought, "How sad! She's so young to have cancer! How hard to lose your hair!"...etc.

Post-cancer I found myself wanting to thank the woman for being a hero! I wanted to tell her how much it meant to me that someone in the midst of one the hardest things out there to go through would be at a craft store so that I could see that LIFE GOES ON! So that I could see that she wasn't going to let cancer get her down.

I probably should have said something, but you know how you start worrying that the person will think your a crazy or a weirdo or something, so I didn't.

But, THANK YOU, whoever you are!

I am grateful that the treatment for my cancer will not include Chemo.  To those who have to do chemo and lose all their hair, I applaud you! You are amazing!

Straight from the head of a cancer patient

Today, I went to church.

Church is always a great way to start my week! It helps me to refocus my life and start fresh.  When I'm unable to attend (like the 2 Sundays I missed after my surgeries) I miss taking the Sacrament to renew the covenants I made with God when I was baptized.

Today was no different.  Not only was I able to refocus, but I was able to speak to a couple great friends and share with them how I feel about this whole cancer situation.  You see...I have quickly learned that most people who do not have cancer can't imagine what my life is now like.

WARNING: I will be talking about my cancer again.  This is my blog.  All my thoughts go here.  If you're tired of reading about it, I gave you fair warning :)!

Finding out that I had cancer was one of the worst moments (if not THE worst moment) of my life. I literally felt like I had been punched in the gut.

I found out through a VOICEMAIL that the doctor left me (he doesn't have a great bedside manner).  To top it off, Jereld happened to be at Home Depot at the time and even thought I tried to call the doctor back, he went to lunch shortly after leaving the message and I could only reach his answering service for 1 1/2 hours.  Jereld rushed home when I called him.  He even took the day off work.  We were both in shock.

But, even though this is the hardest thing that has ever happened to us, it has been the most spiritual experience of our lives.

The days and weeks that have followed have mostly been filled with peace.  Yes, (like I've mentioned before) I do have my panic moments and my moments of weakness, but the Holy Spirit has filled our home with a quiet, comforting peace.  It's not that the Spirit wasn't in our home before, but we just feel like we recognize his presence more and that we invite him with our actions more. We are praying more than we ever have. We are treasuring the little moments we have together more and more.

It's unfortunate that it took me getting cancer for us to become more humble.  Jereld jokes that I should remind him next time to start reading his scriptures for 5 hours a day so that no one else has to get cancer. {PS-This is a joke.  We've never read scriptures for 5 hours a day. Only 4 hours a day...ok ok I'm still joking about the 4 hours.}

The one thing about cancer that makes it hard is that there is no absolute fool-proof cure.  Basically, all I can do is get treated the best I can and then pray for God's help. My hands are pretty much tied and the only person with a knife to cut the rope I am bound with is the Lord.
 
1 Nephi 7:12 says, "Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him."

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ not only died for my sins, but that he died so that he could break the bands of death.  I WILL live again!

Even though I don't feel like I will die anytime soon, I will die someday.  We all will! Knowing that, after this life, I will be with my precious Beau, my sweet Kendi, and the love of my life, Jereld, again is very precious to me.

Basically, the only way I am getting through this whole ordeal is with the help of Jesus Christ and the enabling power of His Atonement.

Phillipians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

I wish I could have learned how amazing it is to feel the Holy Spirit a little more often without having to get cancer, but--what can I say--some of us are a little more hard headed than others. Apparently, I was living far below my privileges (see short clip below).

I've still got a long ways to go...and a lot more hard lessons to learn! Isn't that comforting?!?!? LOL

BBQ at the Zoo :)

We went to the zoo today with my friend from BYU, Ari, and her cute little son, Eli.  Unfortunately, the only thing on the barbeque menu...was US! It was SO HOT! Dang Arizona! Maybe we'll be able to enjoy the zoo more in the coming months! 

This was my 1st outing with the kiddos (without Jereld) post-surgery.  It wasn't too bad.  My throat starting hurting after yelling at the splash pad a few times, but it wasn't too bad! 

Ari taking the boys up the tower to see the giraffes! 

Ari & Eli by the rhino!

 Beau & me by the rhino

 The best part of the whole day! The splash pad! 

 Eli, Kendi, & Ari

Eli 

My kids had a lot of fun despite the heat.  Beau was screaming for 15 minutes straight on the way home! "NOOOOOOO!! ZOOOOOO!!!"  and crying and screaming some more! It was a long drive home! 

Thanks, Ari & Eli! 

I Broked It!

Cleaning up after the kids are in bed is something I have grown accustomed to. That's what I was doing before calming Beau down and trying to get him back to sleep.  Yep! He woke up crying hysterically that he had broken his bed.  I tried to reason with him and show him it wasn't broken.  Have you ever tried reasoning with a 2 1/2 year old who has awoken from a deep sleep at 10:30 pm? It's not pretty. The only thing that would soothe him was being held and then read to and then cuddled. 

Today was HARD! I am feeling it! My whole body is screaming at me to go to bed.  But here I sit typing this (technically Jereld gets home in about 20 minutes or so...so that is really why I'm up). 

Today was also fun! One of my best friends came over (shout out to Danny Lad--this is a code name don't worry if you don't know who I'm talking about)...knee scooter and all! Beau LOVED the knee scooter! I'm glad DL isn't afraid of a little bare bum sitting on her knee scooter--or a crazy little kid doing gymnastics on it either! 

What was so hard about today then?!?!? Cleaning up #2 off my carpet...twice. Yep. Potty training. Sometimes I just don't know...I take it back...I do know. The Pull-ups have to go.  But, with all the craziness going on around here, Pull-ups are sort of a crutch I've come to rely on. Dang.  Not to mention that the kiddos seem to know that what they once knew as "normal" around our house is long gone.  There have been times that their mom and dad have been gone and grandmas and others have had to watch them. There have been times that Mom could not pick up Beau for weeks. There have been many many times that Mom has left to go to a doctor's appointment. There have been many emotions and lots of stress.  How could we expect the kids to go on like nothing is different?!?!? 

Life has been hard lately. Period. 

But, I don't know what I would do without my 2 little miracles.  As I laid next to my little buddy, reading story after story and looking at the tractor picture book over and over and over, I didn't want the moment to end. I just wanted to soak up as much of that moment as possible. I didn't want him to be one day older. 

I know you can't see them, but tears of gratefulness to God for my little family are rolling down my cheeks.  I love them.  Regardless of the poop I cleaned off the carpet, regardless of the sleepless nights I've spent caring for them, regardless of the cranky times and the wild times and the messy times, I LOVE THEM! I love them to my very core.  

I know that I can be with them forever, and that is what gets me through the hard days and the doubting moments.   

  

As promised--something exciting! (For me at least)

First and foremost, Enjoy!

Yes...that is a tire around his waist.  Where else would he put it?!?!?! Hee hee.

I'm glad he didn't see me taking this picture at the red light.



Now...on to the exciting thing.

Apparently, when you have cancer, you are automatically welcomed into the I HAVE CANCER club. Who knew?!?!? There are all sorts of things available to people with cancer.

Case in point--about a week ago, I got a call from a really nice lady who told me she was sad they missed me while I was at the hospital.  She runs the "Face In the Mirror" relaxation suite at the hospital I had both surgeries at.

The Face in the Mirror is a program where those who have (or who have had) cancer are welcome to go get a free facial, makeup application, hand & foot massage, and face massage. They also serve you tea (or herbal tea or water for those like me!). Look at these cute cups!

I also enjoyed an almond chocolate biscotti.  I could have had chocolates if I wanted them, but I passed (never been a huge fan of boxed chocolates.)



That "director's" chair is where i sat to get my makeup application.  There are comfy chairs you sit in for the foot & hand massages.  They even have the lights dimmed and soft, relaxing music playing (with video of calming nature scenes on a small TV.)

I got to take home a bag of goodies--like face wash, moisturizer, an eye shadow, lipstick, chapstick, body lotion, eye cream, eye liner, a pair of yoga pants, and a tank top.  I also got a little bracelet that has a mirror charm on it.

A cute little lady named Sun did my massages and facials.  Everyone there is a volunteer.  It's really small, there were only 2 women running it, Sun and Patricia.

Sun thought my eyebrows could use a little darkening...yikes! Please enjoy the cheesy, unflattering selfie below.  I probably won't be darkening my eyebrows (at least not this dark) ever again.  PS...you can see my incision on my neck in this photo for those interested.  Don't worry mom, I was driving, but I was at a red light.

The coolest thing about this program is that I am able to go back for more massages/makeup/facials/pampering ANY TIME I WANT! Like I said, I am a member of the cancer club now. I might as well enjoy a few perks right!?!?!?

Something else cool (that doesn't apply to me...at least not yet and I hope it never does) is that for those women who have to go through chemo and lose their hair, this organization offers them 1 free wig a year. They had a couple boxes of wigs in the relaxation room (should have taken a crappy cell phone pic...sorry I didn't). One of the wigs they had on a dummy head was actually super cute.  The other 2 on dummy heads weren't bad, they were just a little mature (read: old lady style) for my taste.

Bottom line: I am glad that organizations like this exist! It was nice to "get away" at least for an hour or so. For those who are sick in bed in the hospital, they come to you and apply makeup and give massages...which would be awesome for those who are not feeling well enough to stop in.  Prior to getting cancer, I had no clue that adults with cancer were treated so well.  I knew that organizations like Locks of Love and such existed, but I thought it was just for kids.

I guess you learn something new every day!

On a sort of different note: Patricia asked me if I would like some tea.  When I said no she wondered why.  I did my best to explain the Word of Wisdom, but I sure wish that I would have been able to explain it better. Next time right!?!?!  For those who don't know what I'm talking about, here is short description (click on the image to make it bigger) and a link below that for more information.

http://mormon.org/faq/word-of-wisdom

The way my day looked

You probably can't see this picture very good because it was taken in my dark office with my horrible cell phone camera (I don't own a smart phone).  But, this is how most of my day looked.  Poor baby is either getting sick or is teething.  All she wanted was for me to hold her or rub her back.  Sometimes she would pat my back which made me smile.  She's in bed now FINALLY! Which is were I should be.  I have a big day tomorrow!  I will post about it soon promise! It's actually something really cool! But, I don't want to spoil the surprise for all of you!

-Allison

The most common question I hear

Inquiring minds want to know (aka...the most common question I hear):

How are you feeling? 

Physically, I am almost back to normal.  Still a little lacking in the energy department, but that could be due to a number of things.  I have 2 children that are very active...especially Beau. I just got done having 2 surgeries (the biggest contributor to my lacking energy).  And...I am getting used to being on thyroid medication instead of actually having a thyroid.  I'm not sure how much that contributes to the overall package, but I'm sure it does. 

Beau has figured out that I am all talk and no action.  Since I can't lift more than 20 lbs until Tuesday, I can't put him in his booster seat, put him in his time-out chair, lift him out of the bath, or put him in bed.  He caught on pretty quick, and now his daddy is having to be the main disciplinarian.  He pretty much knows that I have no authority. 

Tuesday, I can start lifting again, and I will begin to re-establish myself as an authority figure at our house :)! I am pretty sure it's going to be a bumpy ride! 

Spiritually, I have had many many moments of quiet peace.  I don't always feel peace--I wish I did, but I'm human like the rest of you! One thing that was hard for me today was not being able to sing the hymns at church.  I have always enjoyed singing, but right now it hurts really bad to sing and I can't keep my voice steady enough.  Talking is no problem, but SINGING??? yikes! But, the hymns still meant so much to me today.  I had the unique opportunity to quietly focus on the words that others around me were singing.  The most touching hymn to me today was "Come Unto Jesus" (click on the link if you're not familiar with this particular hymn). The verse that touched me the most was the 3rd verse which goes like this: 

 Come unto Jesus; He'll surely hear you,
If you in meekness plead for his love.
Oh, know you not that angels are near you
From brightest mansions above?

I have had so many moments when I feel like I have had the help of angels comforting me and getting me through the hard patches. 

I also feel like I have had lots of help from "angels" all around me.  Dinners brought in by friends from church. Even a couple dinners brought in by friends from when Jereld and I were single. Angels have watched my children or helped me put my kids to bed night after night without complaining! Angels have asked me how I"m doing and shared words of comfort.  Angels who have shared their own stories of trials and angels who have offered hugs and cried with me.  

Mosiah 2:17 says, "And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God."

For now, I am trusting in "good things to come." This short clip makes me tear up every time! It gives me great hope!

An update from the cancer front!

Just copied the email I sent my family...sorry it's in email format!

Hey everyone, 

I thought I'd send an update since I went to see my endocrinologist today. If I've already talked to you (Mom & Cam) sorry--just ignore this email if you want! 

Dr. Wadwekar is of the opinion that I need to be treated with Radioactive Iodine (RAI).  It would be a lower dose and, therefore, I would only have to be away from people for 3 days (YAY! I was so worried it would be 8 days). Dr. Wadwekar is not the final word on my treatment though.  I am being referred to Dr. Maggas, a Radiation Oncologist.  He is the one who will ultimately order any Radioactive Iodine treatments or scans, etc. At this point, I feel like I'm being passed from doctor to doctor to doctor which is slightly frustrating.  Jereld & I asked if there is a way that I could get a scan first to try to detect any leftover cancer cells and Dr. Wadwekar said that it's possible but that the scan is roughly 50-60% accurate, so the scan isn't worth a whole lot.  He said he would like to err on the side of caution and just have me get an RAI treatment.

He also mentioned that I am a very unique case.  They don't often find thyroid cancer in a lymph node without also finding it in the thyroid.  Strange! 

So, I don't have an appointment scheduled with Dr. Maggas yet.  They will call me once they get my referral apparently.  A few weeks before my RAI treatments I will have to go on a low iodine diet.  Dr. Wadwekar also mentioned that the recommendation is that you wait 12 months after the RAI treatment before getting pregnant.  Looks like our kids are being spaced for us! Not our favorite, but we don't have a choice. 

Hope I covered everything! 

Love, 

Allison  

Walking!

Kendi took 11 steps without falling yesterday! Yay! What a way to cheer up her mama! She has also added a couple new words to her vocabulary--"done" and "bye."  She can already say hi, uh-oh, mama, dada, and bath.

I'm starting to feel a little better day by day.  I'm not sure if it's normal, but an hour or so after taking my thyroid medication I start to feel a little strange.  Not totally normal.  I wonder if my body has to adjust to this artificial stuff or what.  The sad news is that I'm on a temporary one right now in case they end up doing radioactive iodine.  They have to keep me on meds that can get out of my system quickly.  So, I wonder if right about the time my body adjusts if I will have to go off or switch to a more permanent medication.  We'll see.

I keep getting tons of people asking me questions about the radioactive iodine treatments and whether or not I have to have them and what that will be like...etc. etc.  Truth is--I don't know! I wish I did, but I haven't spoken to the Endocrinologist yet.  That will happen on Thursday.  All I know up to this point is what my ENT/Surgeon has said and what Dr. Google has revealed.

I promise to give a full update after my visit on Thursday. 

Update

Hey Everyone, 

I got a call this morning from Dr. Rothman (my ENT/surgeon) letting me know that the pathologist did not find any cancer in the right side of my thyroid.  So they weren't able to find the source of my cancer presumably because it is so small/microscopic at this point.  I asked him what that meant for the Radioactive Iodine (RAI) treatments and he said that it's controversial at this point if I need RAI treatments.  He said that if you got a group of experts together in a room you probably couldn't get them all to agree.  His opinion is that I should talk to my endocrinologist (Dr. Wadwekar) about it and see what he thinks.  I go to Dr. Wadwekar on Thursday, September 5th. We'll see what he has to say! 

Jereld & I are still amazed that this cancer was even found.  Heavenly Father has definitely blessed us! 

Thank you for all of your prayers,

Allison

The other side of surgery.

I'm out of surgery...for the 2nd time.  Feeling very yucky! Surgery went as smooth as a 2nd surgery can go I suppose so I am blessed in that regard!

I feel tired.  I also feel restless and bored, but have no energy to do anything but feel restless and bored if that makes any sense at all.

My kids are glad to have me home! I'm glad to be home with them, but wish I could be the mom I usually am instead of the kind of mom that just sits there or cringes when her kids try to touch her neck in any way.

I'm grateful for all the prayers that have been said for me! Keep them coming! They help so much!

Cancer...yuck!

For those of you who don't know.  I just found out that I have cancer and will be getting a second surgery on Tuesday.  I am just going to copy and paste an email I wrote to my family that explains what is going on.  It will be easier than retyping the whole ordeal.

To catch you up, I had surgery on August 15th to remove the left side of my thyroid due to nodules that were bothering me.  They had been biopsied prior to surgery and the biopsy came back negative for cancer. I found out about my nodules while pregnant with Kendi, but the doctors recommended that I wait until she was born to have the surgery since my biopsy was negative for cancer.  The left side of my thyroid apparently does not have cancer, but the right side of my thyroid (which has looked normal on ultrasounds this whole time) is presumably the culprit.

Here is the email I just sent my family.

Hello everyone, 

I figured an e-mail would be an easier method to relay information about my cancer and what I found out today so that everyone gets the same info and is on the same page. 

I went to see Dr. Rothman (my ENT/Surgeon) this afternoon for my pre-op appointment.  My surgery is Tuesday at 12:30pm.  I have to be at the hospital at 10:30am that morning. 

When talking to me about the cancer, he let me know that the type of cancer I have is Papillary Thyroid Cancer which is the most common thyroid cancer and my prognosis is that this type of cancer is 95% curable (YAY!).  When doing my surgery he noticed a lymph and decided to remove it even though he thought it looked normal, but he just decided to take it out during the surgery "by chance" even though it didn't look suspicious or cancerous to him.  (Jereld & I don't believe this was chance at all.  Heavenly Father has helped us through this whole thing and we feel very blessed.) The portion of my thyroid that was removed did not show any traces of cancer according to the oncologist that biopsied it.  The lymph node is the only location that they found cancer cells and they were metastatic thyroid cancer cells meaning that the cancer came from somewhere in my thyroid.  Thus, they need to remove the other half of my thyroid as the first step of treatment.

Here is a link that explains more about the type of cancer I have and the treatment/prognosis if you are interested.

http://columbiathyroidcenter.org/staging.html

Because they did not find any cancer in the portion of my thyroid that has been removed, and also because ultrasounds show that the right half of my thyroid appears to be normal, the doctor said that he wanted to prepare me for the possibility that they may never find the source of the cancer.  He said that it's possible that the cancer may be small enough that it is microscopic or something or it's possible that it was somehow overlooked in the left half of my thyroid.  But, because of the cells they found, they are sure it exists somewhere in my thyroid. The doctor again said that it's just by chance that they found my cancer. Jereld & I would call it a miracle and blessing.   

After my surgery, I will have to follow up with my endocrinologist (Dr. Wadwekar) within 1 month.  My endocrinologist will then be responsible for the remainder of my treatment.  Dr. Rothman explained that my treatment would most likely entail getting a full body scan as well as being treated with Radioactive Iodine. I have included a couple links that explain the treatment if you're interested.  But the highlights are that the thyroid cells absorb iodine so they use radioactive iodine to kill all wayward thyroid cells that may have metastasized to other locations in my body; I won't be allowed to be around anyone for around 8 days or so depending on the half life of the radiation; I could lose my sense of taste and have tear duct problems at least short term; Anything I touch will be radioactive and can't be touched by anyone else...etc.  Also, I won't be allowed to have another baby until I get the green light from my doctor which will be anywhere from 6 to 12 months after treatment.   

Short Synopsis: http://www.cancer.org/cancer/thyroidcancer/overviewguide/thyroid-cancer-overview-treating-radioactive-iodine  

Longer more detailed explanation: http://www.thyca.org/pap-fol/rai/   

The time that I spend alone during the treatment will probably be the most miserable time as I won't be able to have contact with anyone except by phone really.  It will be the hardest not to be able to be around Jereld or my kids.  I could see Jereld briefly but cannot touch or kiss him and have to be at least 3 but most likely 6 feet away from him at all times. The kids cannot even come in contact with me at all. 

I asked the doctor if he would be using the incision that I already have from the surgery I just had or if he would be making a new incision.  He said he will use the incision I already have.  He will reopen it. He said my recovery should be similar to the recovery I had this time if not faster.  YAY! This recovery was not bad at all for surgery, in my opinion.

I did ask if this whole ordeal puts me at higher risk for other cancers (i.e. breast cancer, etc.).  Dr. Rothman said, "Absolutely not!"  He said it does not affect my chances of developing other cancers in the least. 

I do want to let all of you know that even though this whole process has been hard, Jereld & I have both felt like we have received so many blessings throughout this whole ordeal.  We do not believe in "coincidence" or "chance." From the very start of this whole thing we have felt that there have been many tender mercies and many people who have helped us and been a great blessing to us! Even though it is a tough situation, I feel very peaceful.  I have had many "doubting" moments in the last couple days, but the majority of the time I feel like everything will be just fine.  

Thank you all for your prayers and concern and help.  It makes it easier when you know you have people cheering for you and concerned about you! 

Love, 

Al 

Finally...updated pictures!

You'd think since I actually have a nice camera and enjoy taking pictures that I would take my own kids' pictures more often...nope.  Taking my own kids pictures is harder than taking pictures of other families' kids.   Here they are! Glad I got at least a few good ones! 

My sweet little peach!

If your brother leaves a peach on the floor it's fair game...right!?!?!?  

What a mess!